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I think [13 Mar 2017|02:49pm]
I'm doing better
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[20 Jan 2017|12:07am]

He makes me feel like a terrible wife and mother. Im not trying. Please God give me strength to get through this. I want to be better. I need support that i do not have.

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[20 Jan 2017|12:04am]

I am a failure as a wife.

Hes failing as a husband.

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no [19 Nov 2016|10:26am]
[ mood | angry ]

Went to see Nofx last night. Addam called at 12ish and started demanding I come home. It made me mad so I said No. He exploded, demanded I come home again, blew up my phone, screaming at me. I told him I was drunk and he said he didn't care and to drive home. He would not give me Zoe. I was calm and quiet. He told me to leave if I wanted but I would never leave without her. I threatened to call cops. Our 2 year wedding anniversary is in 2 days. He also took away my credit cards.

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Psh [09 Nov 2016|03:26pm]

"all you care about is smoking pot" - after i announed i was going to visit Stacy after a movie. "Every day w this shit. You were just there!" (2 weeks ago) he told me i couldnt go because Zoe would wake up and since i allowed her to fall asleep early i should endure her fury if she wakes late at night. So i left. The thing is, if he had asked me to stay i would have. But he didnt, he told me. Wish this power trip would fucking end.

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the wheels on the bus go round and round [07 Nov 2016|08:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I need a good balance. I'm losing my fucking mind. So, it stands to reason that I should document it. Just kidding. But seriously, I can't remember anything and I need to start writing shit down again.

"We are not equal"
I'm a "lazy bum"
I'm pretty sure I'm thought to be a poor mother, too. Addam sees me as a bad mom. I bet he thinks I don't love Zoe as much as he does. I love her with a mother's love, which is irrefutable.

Can't argue with him, can't talk to him - he just yells. No yelling around the baby. I "use" this as "an excuse" to not receive verbal abuse. I'm not "allowed to ask him to do anything after work" because he worked all day.

Oh, and he doesn't believe my pain. None of it. Not even when I broke my wrist. After I had proof it was different. I guess I just have to have everything casted.

I should be working and women all over the world work and are awesome moms. There's no reason I can't do that. Why don't I do that? Well, we agreed I'd stay home with Zoe until she was at least 3 and then I'll get a cert in medical billing and go back to work. Every time he gets mad, that plan ceases to exist. So. Sick. Of. Being. YELLED AT!!!!!!!!!

I'm weak.

He's right.

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wine [16 Jul 2013|01:49am]
wine makes me drunk,
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fuck shit, a fuck shit stack [16 Feb 2013|04:02am]
[ mood | grumpy ]

i'm grumpy bears. maybe i'll start with the good things about this week. addam is absolutely wonderful and we couldn't have had a more wonderful valentine's day. i don't require much! i cooked an awesome steak, lobster and asparagus dinner and he bought me a dozen pretty pink roses. it amazes me how much flowers make me happy. i'm not normally a materialistic person, but flowers make me want to cry with half manic, hormonal joy. we then watched a movie, drank copious amounts of wine, and had hot couch sex. fantastic. sampson even got a few pieces of steak.

went to missouri for a visit and it was awesome. got to hang out with my cousin matt a lot and spent time with my dad. went to grandma's house to go through things and it seemed ravaged with things missing that had held the same place for 30 years or so. it was good to be in her house but sad. i was tasked with a box of holiday decorations that i've seen for most of my life that were going to be thrown away because nobody wanted it, not even me, but i couldn't throw it away. i must have just pawed at that box for 15 minutes before just leaving it for someone else like an asshole. the thought of throwing away any of her things almost made me break down in the front room. even now, i just keep thinking about this stupid stuffed nylon pumpkin with a witches hat with light-up LED eyes and that damn stupid fucking thing makes me want to cry. aside from grandma's, it was really cool to drive around KC a little bit before we went to springfield. felt like old times with matt. and doug. it was freezing fucking cold, but still good to be there. it was great to see amy and shawn, too. i'll admit i was a little hurt that a lot of people were unavailable to hang out even though i reached out and was there for almost a week, but fuck 'em. i got to see the important people that are still in my life even with distance between us.

otherwise, i've been in a storm of anxiety. as soon as i got back from missouri something happened and some family members are in some serious trouble and i've been interviewed repeatedly by cee-pee-ess. kind of paranoid to even write that. it's a horrible situation and i am very worried. cee-pee-ess is not very pleasant no matter what side you're on, apparently. it drives me crazy knowing i can't see them for at least another week, knowing i can't provide comfort or support at all. just waiting. have i ever mentioned anything about not trusting our government to you? if not, you don't know me very well. helpless to do anything.

that's all for now. i just keep forgetting livejournal exists... kind of like the rest of the world. sorry, livejournal.

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RIP Heidi [25 Jan 2013|06:53pm]
forgot to post about this... my beloved wiener dog, Heidi, died at the end of Oct 2012. she was 16. she lost her ability to walk so my mom called and i spent two days with her, carrying her everywhere, snuggling, petting her, and feeding her epic meals. before i took her to the vet to have her put to sleep, we went to burger king and she got to eat a big ass bacon cheeseburger. her tail could still wag :) i miss her a lot, still. she had such a personality. i know she's rolling around in putrid dead things in doggy heaven now.

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Dr. Sadistic Pain Pants, DDS [25 Jan 2013|06:21pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

kidding, my dentist was actually super nice and very understanding. nonetheless, i cannot stop crying. i have gotten several fillings, teeth pulled, braces... even as a kid i was never scared and was totally cool with it. big brave girl. i guess those days ended at the ripe age of 28. i freaked the fuck out today, in front of strangers! it was horrible. it was the tooth on top in the very back that was already broken. i was there for 1.5 hours, but the actual tooth pulling took about 30 minutes after repeated numbing attempts. he said it was a lot trickier than usual and had to break it apart piece by piece and use "his whole toolbox". every time i felt pressure or heard the tooth breaking i felt my body try to shrivel up. i couldn't stop crying, the kind that makes it hard to breathe.. my chest was heaving as i was panting for air in a panic. my head was pounding and my tears pouring into my ears and hair and my eyes were squeezed shut as tightly as possible. my whole body was shaking, jaw was quivering. he was cool about it though and kept taking breaks to let me talk and check on me to make sure i was ok. i apologized repeatedly and told them how embarrassed i was and he reassured me that it happens all the time and that it was no big deal. anyways, i just lost my drive to write about this as i just got off the phone with my sweet, loving Addam and got to vent to him. still shaking, so i'll probably take some klonopin and end up running out early again. smell ya later, journalface.

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help? maybe? [06 Sep 2012|02:55pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

finally made an appt with my idiot doctor who doesn't listen to talk about the insomnia and mounting anxiety. i am on zoloft and klonopin as needed, but they're only .5mg and i usually have to take 4 to get any relief from the anxiety that makes me feel like my chest is caving in.

why continue to see this idiot doctor? i have no insurance and he charges only $57 a visit, and prescribes the medications i've been on for years with no question. despite the fact that i sometimes get stones in my salivary glands that require surgical removal and after the last one he told me it was my imagination when i had one big enough to require surgery from the outside of my neck to remove it. he barely listens and while i talk he simply types symptoms into a computer program with his back turned. what other options do i have? this is the best i can hope for.

it's gotten to where when i am laying in bed, heart pounding, if i hear so much as the AC kicking on my brain dumps adrenaline into my system and snaps me wide awake and panicky, feeling as if my chest is being crushed and i can't get enough air. when i do fall asleep, usually when the sun comes up, i can hardly make myself get up and feel like crap all day.

i feel useless and utterly exhausted all the time. bursts of exercise don't seem to help. if i just had some source of energy during the day, maybe i could accomplish something and sleep at night, satisfied. my heart is too sensitive for any kind of energy supplements.

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sleepy panda [05 Sep 2012|07:43am]
[ mood | grumpy ]

tried to lay down to sleep at 12:30.... gave up at 6. i am incredibly grumpy as evidenced by my extreme annoyance by the morning news.

crushing anxiety at night, but by day i have no energy and no anxiety.

haven't been smoking pot in a while. i think its medicinal properties helped me far more than i knew.

on with the job search. should i settle for another low-paying, unappreciative job? should i try to go forward with some ideas of opening my own cleaning business and being my own boss?

something's gotta give.

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insomnia [30 Aug 2012|01:43am]
[ mood | loved ]

boy, oh boy, has livejournal gotten fancy.... seems different every time i remember it exists and log in.

I FINALLY SUCCEEDED IN QUITTING SMOKING. 5 or 6 months now. i don't even remember the quit date. i have these e-cigs that have some nicotine that i am addicted to now. much less deadly... just nicotine vapor without the smoke, co2, cyanide, and baby pig fetus tears i'd be inhaling with cigarettes. or y'know, whatever else they put in that shit.

many of my posts have been me at wit's end during a quitting attempt, and it was so very hard. i plan to stop the e-cigs too, but i am still pretty proud of myself. not really a slave to it like i used to be. i quit drinking a lot, too. i only get drunky-pants about once a month, if that.

i wish i could say i feel a lot better, physically. i feel a little better, a little less sedentary.. even go through spurts of stretching, pushups, situps, jogging, etc. about every other week. but i still just have no energy. can't fucking sleep at night.. have to make a cocktail of diff sleepy stuff and that works half the time. then i can't wake up early and i feel shitty all day. i keep trying to just "reset" my sleep schedule and set an alarm for 7 or 8 and just make myself stay up all day, but when the alarm goes off i just shut it off. going to continue to try. part of it is that i've been unemployed since may or june. so it's like, what's the point? i clean, i try to find projects to busy myself with... i read and re-read books for hours a day. i cook for my love, whom i adore. i put out my resume and fill out applications to at least 15 places per week. not having much luck. my luck is with addam, who supports me so i can find a good job and not have to work at some place that will make me miserable just to eat mac n cheese every night.

addam... what a blessing he is to me. noble, kind, thoughtful.. so very loving. so very unlike any man i've dated. i'm definitely keeping this one. today was our 6 month anniversary. he has an adorable 8-year-old son named kyler, who is a good kid but has some problems due to the mother who is carelessly raising him now. once we are both financially stable enough, i am eager to bring him to us full time to raise him right and give him a chance to get a firm grasp on this world. pretty serious stuff, right? we can't make much of a difference just having him weekends.

i'm considering making the last nearly 10 years of this journal public, as deeply personal as it is. damn the man, i have nothing to hide. not running for president at any point, i'm certain. maybe it would help somebody, give hope to somebody, entertain somebody, invoke anger in somebody... who knows? i've already lost touch with almost everybody i knew in springfield, and they no longer wish to know me. i still talk to the few that do.

i'm feeling a little nostalgic so i will now go read a few years back and think some more about airing my dirty laundry. i'm not sure anyone i know is on livejournal anymore.

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happy new year 2012!! [01 Jan 2012|03:18pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

well, here we go... watching futurama, smoking pot, and trying to be introspective about this next year. well, not really needing to try.

first, this is the only place i actually reveal myself.. and after looking back at posts from just a year ago, and 5 years ago, and almost 10 YEARS AGO in this journal, it's very helpful that i be true to what's happening in my life for examination later. my first entry is March 25th, 2003. one giant rant, nearly 2500 words long, in one paragraph, fueled by coke and the mind of an 18-year-old. and some pretty intense stuff in between now and then, as life tends to be between 18 and 27.

so, 2011.. fuck 2011!! it's a good runner-up to 2006 for shittiest year in the history of shitty years. summary of 2006 - broke up with one of my most serious boyfriends (4 years), roomie tried to off himself, lost the house, started having heart problems, and 3 of my friends died in 3 months, started drinking heavily... moved to texas, proceeded to get my shit together.

and a summary of 2011? jeremy. my boyfriend jeremy finally left, went off to europe... i was left with the apartment in austin. i struggled for a long time, and finally moved back. my going away party was epic. got stuck trying to scale a privacy fence at the bar because i didn't want them taking my keys, bailed on the cab tab after the bar stuffed me into a cab and the cabbie tried to molest me once he pulled up into my parking lot. merlin died in my arms this year :/ he is believed to have been 19-22 years old. he had an awesome life. ....dating! i've been dumped a couple of times in my life, not very much.. this year, i had been rejected by about half of the guys i've dated since jeremy, and i don't like the other half. dating was infinitely, exponentially harder. i probably drank too much this year. i definitely drank too much this year. slept with too many men, had too many wild nights. i had really good times under the intense stress and misery. i moved back to mom's in october, and i've been 50 times better just being back around my family. moved back in time to do the zombie pub crawl with lindsay :)

i wish i had posted more pics on this journal. it used to be kind of a pain in the ass. let me find a few of my favorites from 2011:

so! again, i plan on quitting smoking. this friday. i'm going to focus on improving myself and stop looking for someone to date. i get really lonely, though. need to quit drinking so much.. i've been doing pretty good lately. i didn't even go out for new years! amazing, huh? didn't even drink. just sat at home and read my book... new stephen king book about a guy that travels back in time to stop the kennedy assassination!! in fact, i think i'm going to go read that now. if i get the gusto, i'll come back later.

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[25 Jan 2011|02:05am]
[ mood | tired ]

really anxious....
quit smoking this weekend (ha)
bought a pack this morning and it's now gone...
what's my deal? i've been unstable the last week or so... but i'm not right now. i just get so hormonal... i think once a month i decide to go. and then don't, of course... i don't want to go! or do i? i miss dallas so badly. but i love what i have with jeremy. sometimes i'm not sure. sometimes he's an asshole. i just don't think we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. i just don't know.

went to the er last week... was having really bad chest pains. everything is okay. i am still having them though.. i think it may be my esophagus. sp.?.


pros: i'm an adult, yeah! i can carve out a little spot and barely survive in a random new place, yeah!
austin is really cool, closer to the beach and mexico
my job is super laid-back
i love my home
i have jeremy
i have sampson

cons: i'm lonely
i have no friends here.. except jeremy
shitty pay
i miss my friends and family
no one to call if my car fucks up
really miss mom and andrew

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yay...2011 [05 Jan 2011|10:49pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

jeremy beat the hell out of my dog sampson today. or picked him up and body slammed him and threw him in the tub and laid on him while sampson was screaming. we have this issue fairly often.. sampson has become absolutely terrified of him. tonight he was so scared he actually peed and shot his anal glands everywhere... he's 6 years old and never done that. what would jeremy do if a child did the same thing? i almost kicked him out tonight. i told him to never touch him again and we got into it pretty big. it ended semi peaceably i guess and he agreed to never touch him again but we're still pretty pissed at each other. today was pretty shitty. got an eviction notice due to my constant mismanagement of money, but fixed it in a panic today. cried in a bank.. came home and took 3 shots of tequila and drank 2 beers. at least i cleaned the house, right?

as always i'm super stressed about money. i'm in austin now. work in a dog boarding place... mostly healthier than last summer. going to try to quit smoking again. i have to! i'm afraid i can't find enough healthy habits to occupy my mind and time. kinda sad.

i've been mostly happy lately, though... trying really, really, really hard to get past a couple of things (like how to treat my dog) and how it seems like he has no respect for animal life or that of many people. sometimes he can get scary when he's mad (not towards me though) maybe i shouldn't be trying to look past it.

going to improve myself this year. get healthy, fit into size 3 jeans again (now at a jiggly 7) and quit smoking!! i'm also going to figure out a good physical therapy routine to do myself to stretch out my gnarly back. and my calf. and also eat good things!

i love him to death
most of the time.

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where do i begin... [07 Oct 2010|08:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i've tried to quit smoking 3 or 4 times since the previous post... last time i made it 2 weeks. fucking cigarettes. going to do it again soon.

moved to austin. it's pretty cool.

drowning in a sea of debt... applied at several places for a 2nd pt job to get some more money. hopefully i'll get back on top of shit soon. been saying that for a few years now... but i guess this is what it's like to be an adult. struggling. haha... or i guess when your parents are as poor as you are, anyways. at least i have my own place, my own car.. a washer and dryer. etc. i am thankful for the things i do have. and i have my sampson :) oh, and a boyfriend. more importantly the dog, though.

just turned 26 a couple months ago... kinda crept up on me.

kinda depressed off and on... mostly over money. tired of eating macaroni and cheese. i mean, i love it, but enough is enough. got back into my old drinking habits. gaining weight again. up to 130 almost. starting to look old. i've got to make some major changes soon before i turn into a smelly old drunk with yellow teeth. i guess i shouldn't have made an update after such an extended amount of time while i'm in such a sour mood... i'm usually pretty happy. i guess. maybe i'll try again in a week. i'm out!

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FUCK!!! [25 Feb 2010|12:36pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

i want a goddamn cigarette.

i'm dizzy and angry.

it's been 21 hours.

i just saw a story on cnn about the trainer at seaworld that was killed by the *killer* whale. it interviews these housewives that won't go back to seaworld now because of their fear the whales could hurt their children. now whales are so deadly they will walk out of their tank and rape your children, apparently. because a trainer that was standing on the edge of the tank died, how does that really concern the safety of your kids? goddamn fear mongers.

i need to man up. seriously, i just have to make it like 2 or 3 more days and then it'll start getting easier instead of harder... i've done this before. so many times. the only reason i'm writing here is because i realize i'm just a bitchfest to everyone i actually talk to in real life.


on a happy note, i've lost 4 of the 12-14lbs i wanted to lose.. and i lost it in 2 days. i had gained it all in the past month. go me! gotta get sexy for cancun. i'll feel so much better. another reason i have got to stop smoking! i need to start exercising and stretching a little bit and getting more muscle tone, and it's so much easier when i'm not a smoker.


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seasonal alcoholism [04 Jan 2010|08:57pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i have Got to stop drinking so much. i have felt like crap for over a week probably because i've been drinking so much. granted, it is the holidays, so it's to be expected, but i just wanted to record in some way, the fact that i feel like shit and why.

met a guy :) i'm pretty stoked.

had some crazy misadventures in the past 4 or 5 weeks... since thanksgiving. threatened one of lindsays guy friends that told me to shut up.. new years we went everywhere and i threw up sushi and several types of alcohol outside of breyers' car. wiped vomit from my mouth on my freshly dry cleaned coat sleeve. shut off the lights in addison. stole balloons, released them as they hovered 4 feet above belt line and cars ran into them. woke up on a golf course. a house on a golf course, anyways. last night i got lost in an apartment complex for 30 minutes, hammered, trying to find my car. i misplaced it. fucking urbania! that place was huge and everything looked the same, and i didn't park my car, we were let out and jeremy (the guy i met...) parked it, so i had no relation or idea where it could be. luckily, after i found it, i also found a pack of cigarettes inside the found car, and my iphone told me where i was, so off i went. my leg is really sore today because i got a huge cramp in it last night i guess from walking. that means i am waaaaaaay less fit than anyone should be. i've gotta stop fucking around.

1. quit smoking cigarettes.
2. become an every-OTHER-weekend warrior.
3. start seriously exercising, for the love of god.
4. quit smoking so much pot.
5. start saving money.

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do you like american music? [18 Sep 2009|09:48pm]
[ mood | drained ]

so much has happened lately, i don't really know where to start. for one, i don't have cancer or a stomach disease or anything... just acid reflux disease and my stomach can't absorb b12.. so since i started getting b12 shots and a stomach medicine, i've felt a lot better. i've stopped drinking during the week for the most part, and try to eat better. baby steps...

everyone at my work in dallas quit.. even my boss. so it's just me now, but she cut mileage... bunch of bullshit mismanagement going on down at headquarters. i got a raise to stay though, so i'm going to stay for as long as i can... but i've also been attending workshops for the city of dallas storm water management systems.. they're free, and you get certificates :) so there's always that. anyways, i'm sure there's plenty more, but i lost my motivation to update this thing already, so we're going to end it there. goodnight!

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